This year, I finally left my job as an engineer. It was a good 12.5 years from August 2011 till March 2024. It’s been 6 months now. 

Apologies to those whom I did not wish to speak much about why I had to leave the job. It was a very emotional topic for me. Nothing personal towards you, but while I am not done working on it, I tend to get triggered easily by certain comments and I had to spend a great deal of willpower to not lash it out towards you.

If you are really curious, I’ll tell you about it here. Because I can speak without interruptions here and it is the best way for me to tell you. I’ll quote the reasons I have spoke about and try to elaborate a little more from there. All the reasons I said were real.

“because I finished the main project I was working on.”

Yes, because that project was what kept me staying for the last 3 years in the job. It was probably my work-baby. One of the 9-months project was over the course of my pregnancy as well. I delivered my little baby and my work baby, then I went back to work 2 months after to continue working on the next phase of the project. It was a project I grew so attached to that I wanted to see it through and make it a useful product, akin to how a mother would like to do the best she could to help her child to become a useful person. 

I became really upset with the job 3-4 years ago, during the Covid circuit breaker period. It was a turbulent period. The project itself was the main motivation to overcome the obstacles till the end. I spent about 8 years or so working on this product line from research till deployment. I reckoned that I can’t burn another decade this way anymore.

“because the job did not have the option of working from home for me.” 

I needed to work from home and I had my reasons. But this option was just not available for my job and my position. 

“Oh, but you do programming right? Isn’t your job nature suitable for working from home?”

Yes, my work nature is suitable for working from home, but the company I worked in did not have this option for me. Quote security or whatever. Please don’t ask me to justify why the company did not have this option for me. It is not like I agree with it. 

“Ahh, you know working from home is not that great, I’d rather work in office. <Quote multiple reasons>” 

I understand that some people prefer to work in office. However, this statement in response to my reply seem to be an attempt to invalidate my point. We all choose the option that works out the best for us ya?

“Oh, if your job doesn’t allow you to work from home, that means you don’t have to work from home right? Isn’t that good?” 

No. It is not true. Seriously, it is painful for me to justify something that I do not agree with anyway and that was precisely why the work arrangement could not complement my current needs. 

“Your job had good work-life balance right? You didn’t have to work till 10pm everyday, right?”

Hey, we probably have different opinions of what is a good work-life balance and we don’t have to come to the same agreement on that.

“because I was a misfit.”

I felt that I could not fully be myself in the job. Only the suppressed version of myself is acceptable in the workplace. Yes I can still navigate the work situations and do the job well, but I am not happy. 

I once thought I need to work on my EQ in order to deal with people better. Later I realized that it is just not possible to have effective communication with people on a different frequency spectrum;

白天不懂夜的黑，话不投机半句多。
对牛弹琴白费力，鸡同鸭讲吵死人。
– yohuifang

Not saying that I don’t have to work on my EQ but the EQ energy is better spent on people that matters, like our family. The cruel fact is that nobody in the workplace will truly care even if you work till you drop dead. 

Assuming we live till ~80 years old, there is only about 30,000 days in our life if we are lucky. Every day spent with the people on the wrong spectrum is one unfulfilling day passed. No matter what you do, the unidirectional counter reduces by one every day. 

Following the Universe

Just like anybody who leaves a long-serving job, there are usually multiple factors that led to the decision; 一言难尽。

It was probably around the start of this year, when I felt the strong urge to follow the Universe cue in most of the decisions I made. Even if I do not have a concrete plan, but my gut guides me stronger than ever. And it seems to point me to paths that I have never thought of, but it always eventually felt like I am at the right place at the right time.

The moment I submitted the letter, I immediately felt my feet lighter and springier, and it was like walking out of a dark cloud. I knew that I made the right decision. 

I used to really love my work. However, incidents happened to make me understand that I was not on the right path. I should probably thank those folks who made the job unbearable to stay in. Otherwise all these new and exciting paths would not have been visible to me. Still, I was grateful for all the opportunities and the precious learning experience.

Some of what I said above may be emotionally charged. That shall be a record of my emotional state. I am working on energy healing to release the charged emotions and hot triggers. One day, I will be able to say all these again without the raging emotions.

That said, 6 months after I left the job, I am now much happier and healthier. I travelled quite a bit, and I stopped falling sick so often now. Tell you more about that next time.

Now, I strive to be as authentic as I can be.